I've been home about three weeks now and haven't really done much of anything. The boys and I have caught up on a couple of movies, Tom had a poker party to welcome me back but mostly I've been sitting around trying to motivate myself into studying for a GRE that I'm not excited to take and work on a few things to go to school. Why it seems so difficult to get motivated I don't know.One thing I've noticed is I can't stand a lot of noise. I can't believe my boys are actually as loud as they are, especially Konner. That child has so much energy and not that I want to contain it, just get it a little under control. I've kept them home with me for the month and I hope it wasn't a mistake. I love those guys so much but right now they are making me crazy with all the noise and arguing. They are super helpful on the other hand. They sort the laundry, put away the dishes, pick up after themselves a little better than they used to so in reality, it isn't really that bad; just the noise.
I think I'm a little depressed. Things seem so different with friends and family. I got the welcome home I had hoped for from the boys but everyone else seems to just brush me off, like I never went anywhere. I haven't really got to tell any of my deployment stories to anyone and that makes me a little depressed because that's the one thing I wanted out of being in the military, a story. One of our co-workers deployed and no one bothered to let me know he was leaving, so I was the only one left out of that farewell. I have issues with his wife anyway so I guess I should write them off.
Another just got his tasking and it seems that everyone is "sorry". I don't understand why they're "sorry." This is what we signed up to do and they act as if someone is dead or severely injured. Yes it sucks to be away from the family, friends and things that we're used to but we knew this was the sacrifice when we signed the papers. I don't understand the drama. I missed my family and friends and conveniences of life but I wasn't "sorry" and neither was my family.
I'm depressed because I'm going back to Wilford Hall and there aren't any patients. I'll go sit for 12 hours a shift and do nothing. I miss hanging out with Tovar everyday and having meaningless conversations. I miss taking care of sick people and feeling like I'm making a difference. I'm depressed because some of the people I left don't really seem to care that I'm back.
It seems everyone has changed while I was away, or maybe I've changed and I haven't noticed yet. Tomorrow, I'll work on a few things with this application, try to have some fun with my boys and hopefully get over this feeling. I really feel all alone right now and very sad. I know, the pictures don't go with my post, but I needed something to lift my spirits.
