Being home

 I've been home about three weeks now and haven't really done much of anything.  The boys and I have caught up on a couple of movies, Tom had a poker party to welcome me back but mostly I've been sitting around trying to motivate myself into studying for a GRE that I'm not excited to take and work on a few things to go to school.  Why it seems so difficult to get motivated I don't know.

One thing I've noticed is I can't stand a lot of noise.  I can't believe my boys are actually as loud as they are, especially Konner.  That child has so much energy and not that I want to contain it, just get it a little under control.  I've kept them home with me for the month and I hope it wasn't a mistake.  I love those guys so much but right now they are making me crazy with all the noise and arguing.  They are super helpful on the other hand.  They sort the laundry, put away the dishes, pick up after themselves a little better than they used to so in reality, it isn't really that bad; just the noise.

I think I'm a little depressed.  Things seem so different with friends and family.  I got the welcome home I had hoped for from the boys but everyone else seems to just brush me off, like I never went anywhere.  I haven't really got to tell any of my deployment stories to anyone and that makes me a little depressed because that's the one thing I wanted out of being in the military, a story.  One of our co-workers deployed and no one bothered to let me know he was leaving, so I was the only one left out of that farewell.  I have issues with his wife anyway so I guess I should write them off.

Another just got his tasking and it seems that everyone is "sorry".  I don't understand why they're "sorry."  This is what we signed up to do and they act as if someone is dead or severely injured.  Yes it sucks to be away from the family, friends and things that we're used to but we knew this was the sacrifice when we signed the papers.  I don't understand the drama.  I missed my family and friends and conveniences of life but I wasn't "sorry" and neither was my family. 
I'm depressed because I'm going back to Wilford Hall and there aren't any patients.  I'll go sit for 12 hours a shift and do nothing.  I miss hanging out with Tovar everyday and having meaningless conversations.  I miss taking care of sick people and feeling like I'm making a difference.  I'm depressed because some of the people I left don't really seem to care that I'm back. 

It seems everyone has changed while I was away, or maybe I've changed and I haven't noticed yet.  Tomorrow, I'll work on a few things with this application, try to have some fun with my boys and hopefully get over this feeling.  I really feel all alone right now and very sad.  I know, the pictures don't go with my post, but I needed something to lift my spirits.

Homecoming

We boarded our flight and it was very long.  The seats were all very narrow, so it didn't matter if you sat in first class or last class your were going to get a pressure ulcer on your hips.  I think there were some movies but I slept as much as possible.  We flew from Manas to Turkey, then Germany and finally Baltimore.  What irritated me most is the fact the three people we left behind could have been on this flight, there were available seats so why did we have to leave them behind?

 

When we got off the plane in Baltimore, the USO was there clapping for our return.  It was such an awesome feeling and I felt a little embarrassed.  I love what I do and I want to be recognized, just not publicly. 

I made a call to the boys.  They did not know I was coming home, because of all the potential delays, we decided not to give them a date.   I called and just asked them what they had done that day.  When it got to my turn I said "Well I got on an airplane and I'm back in the United States and I'll see you tomorrow."  The shouts of joy were so overwhelming I started to cry happy tears.  It was so awesome to hear how much I was missed by those guys.

We found Annie's parents and then off to the hotel.  Once we were there, things were different.  The manager behind the counter did not want to help us with the government rate, the lady behind the cafe counter did not treat us nicely, she was annoyed she had to serve us.  I'm sorry, I just got off a 24 hour flight and I am a little hungry.

We visited for a bit and I went off to bed.  It was wonderful to be all alone, have a giant bed and bathroom all to myself and just be able to relax.  I only slept about three hours, but it was such a restful sleep.

We boarded our plane and I think we were both a little nervous about seeing our kids.  The flight was uneventful and finally we landed in San Antonio.  Annie asked me on the way up the ramp why she was nervous about seeing her own children.  My reply was "I'm nervous too.  They've changed and without us." 

We got off the plane and before I could even get out of the line, Konner yelled "Moooom" , dropped his homecoming poster and rushed into my arms, Kodi quickly followed.  It was so wonderful, holding them and feeling them.  Tom came up and we had a family hug.  All my friends were there; Chrissy, Sean, their children, Ashlee, Byron, Mazzy and Tammy.  It was everyone I wanted to see.  Lots of hugs and tears of happiness.  I can't imagine coming home to no one.  I sort of felt sorry for Kate because she really didn't have anyone to greet her. 

I am so thankful for the experience, but I am more thankful to be home.  I will go again, but next time it will hopefully be easier.

Manas

We took off a day late from Bagram and got to Manas.  Manas is a holding station for us to pick up gear and drop it off.  It has changed so much in the last six months it's unbelievable.  I have decided the Air Force definitely takes better care of their people just based on the facilities here.

I am really disappointed however.  I lost my phone.  Six months on a deployment and I've lost my phone here.  It had the pictures of the helicopter ride, friends I've made.  I am so sad right now.  It's a whole part of my life just gone and now I can't replace it.

Annie is really being helpful, I know she has a lot of stress on her mind too.  It's funny, we have pretty much gone away from Kate and Beeland.  Neither of us can stand Beeland, he's so inept and Kate is just a know-it-all without the experience.  Tomorrow we'll get on our flight to see our families and this one bump in the road will be over. 

We did meet a Colonel and we're kind of riding on his wings.  We took him in at Bagram when our flight was cancelled and gave him a place to sleep so now he's just hanging out with us.  Very nice man (Col Bernier).  I have introduced him to Leverage but I don't think we'll get to watch the end of the show. 

The Replacements

Our replacements arrived on the 4th and that made us all very happy, because this is the point you know you're finally going home soon.  It's interesting when you get someone new into the room because the dynamics change once again.  Now I can't sleep because my new bunkmate snores, not only snores but it's a symphony of sounds.  I think this makes the other two rude roommates really angry because they've started slamming the door.  I am fairly sleep deprived but that's kind of how this whole deployment has been.  I don't know who's idea it was to cram 8 women in a room, but obviously they have no idea what they've done.

Other people are going through similar trials.  Dr. Gunst (Dr. Hight's replacement) is flexing his own muscle.  He's kind of a jerk.  He's rude and cocky.  It's funny because Dr. Gerlach has to succumb to that which is what we've had to do with him.  I think we gave him way too much credit before we knew him.  I think this dynamic puts patients at risk because both want to flex their muscle and I don't think they think of the patient.  That's why we have nurses.  We don't care about muscle flexing.

Every new doctor that comes in has a different way to of doing things.  One will want drips and the next wants IV pushes.  Both can recite "studies" but no one can pinpoint you to them.  It becomes frustrating.  I have one new doc that doesn't trust what I'm doing and although I know what I'm doing (or at least will ask someone) and this is causing frustration for me.  She's new to the unit and not an ICU doc, I'm an ICU nurse with six years experience, I just need her to let me do my job.

Soon I will be leaving and going home to a new hospital and the dynamics will start all over again; new doctors, new nurses and new experiences.

One of the better days

Today was really a fun day.  Tovar finally conceded into going to the bazaar with me.  First, we went to TeamSTEPPS and then to breakfast.  We then went back to the rooms and just relaxed a bit.  As I was waiting for him to go to lunch, our replacements showed up!!  This is a very exciting moment because now you know you're going home soon.

After we met them and got them a little settled, we went to lunch at the Aviation DFAC.  Aviation is run by the Americans and the food is generally better tasting.  We don't go there often because it's so far to walk after shift.  Then we went to the bazaar.  Nothing really exciting happened there, we shopped a bit and looked at all the shops (I hadn't done that the times that I went).  We bought a few things and then ran into our command folks.  The Chief had bought a large stick and Col Hughes was bargaining for jewelry for Col Agee.  Tovar decided he wanted in on her bargaining skills and bought his mom a yellow stone.  Chief asked if we wanted a ride back to the hospital and I eagerly said "Yes!".  Tovar looks at me and said "No.  We need the exercise and the sun."  I just looked down and went "awww".  As we were walking back to the hospital, the crew passed by us and honked.  I pointed and said "Look Tovar, they have a car and AIR CONDITIONING!!"  Later, Chief told us that they were laughing because they saw me bitching at him.  It was all good.

We then went to the newly opened Pizza Hut on base and had some garlic bread and iced tea.  While we were there, we had another IDF attack.  No one moved, everyone went about their business like nothing happened.  It was very odd.  Afterward, we went back the hospital and again, everyone was milling about like nothing happened.

I think today was one of the best days I've had lately.  It felt almost like being at home, except the IDFs of course.  I had a good laugh and felt up.  Now that my time is getting short, I feel a little sad about leaving.  The people here are so kind and wonderful.  They have such beautiful hearts.  I have fallen in love with this culture and although I've had some bad days, I wouldn't trade this experience.  I feel so lucky to be a part of something so spectacular.

Combat Dining In!!

Tovar and I always the rebels...not the proper dress.



Obstacle course to the Grog!



The ceremonies and traditions sare the reason I really wanted to join the military.  I remember growing up and working as a civil servant how much I enjoyed the parties, the Dining Outs, the promotion ceremonies and the retirements.  All of these things have been ingrained in me and one of the reasons for wantign this so much.  



Tonight I attended my first Combat Dining In.  This is like a Dining In or Dining Out but you wear your combat gear.  I had just got off work so I was able to wear my PT gear.  We got outside the hospital and there was an water obstacle course and at the end was a toilet filled with stuff.  This would be the grog bowl.

Tsgt Skibitsky and Maj Bossert showing their "combat" side



Col Hughes readies for battle



The Grog!  Yes, it's drinkable; you just wouldn't want to!

We had wonderful food and people were sent to the grog and everyone had giant water guns.  Because this was such a last minute affair, Tovar and I armed ourselves with 10cc saline flushes (hey, it was something).  We were SOAKED!!  Everyone got crazy and started spraying each other and throwing food, we let off a lot of steam.  We weren't there for the whole thing, but the little bit of time made me want to do it again; but next time I will arm myself appropriately!!

Doing the right thing

The last three days of work were very hard; I had little Feisl die and then sent Iman home to die with his family and on the third day when I came in, I was given yet another pediatric patient.  This patient was significantly different.  He was 15 and had a gunshot wound to his shoulder which severed the artery and broke his arm.  What made this child different was the fact he had just pushed the button that set off a bomb and killed five service members; the one surviving was in the bay next door to his room.

I thought about this boy and decided yes, he did a horrible thing but he was still my patient.  The other members of the battalion kept trying to go in his room and I made it pretty clear they needed to stay out.  I let his guards also know there was to be no one in the room other than hospital staff, unless I said so.

This boy was frightened.  The story is his father set the bomb and told him to push the button.  It isn't any different than the U.S. father in teaching his child to hate.  I took care of this boy with my heart.  I bathed him, redressed his wounds and washed his hair.  I found a laceration in the back of his head that required staples and we took care of that.  I was angered by other members of the hospital staff who were full of hate.  I can totally understand their feelings, but I wish they would remember he is a child who hans't completely mentally developed. 

While I was caring for him, he asked his guards "Why is she being so nice to me?"  I replied "I don't like what you did, but you are my patient and I will take care of you."  Maybe I am wearing rose colored glasses but I'd like to think I made a difference to this child.  Maybe the next time someone asks him to blow up Americans, he'll remember the kindness he was shown and refuse.

Iman

Today we sent little Iman home to be with his parents during his final days.  This poor kid, for every step forward he took in recovering, he took three backward.  He came in with a head injury due to a taxi cab running him over.  Then we discovered he had a multi-drug resistant e. coli in his sputum, so we treated that.  Then we couldn't get him off the ventilator, we succeeded in that yesterday.  Last night they found candidis in his blood, not good.  This morning I tried to get him to eat and he couldn't swallow or suck, no good.  Prior to discussing options with his parents, we found he had another fungus growing in his lungs. 

His mother finally came to see him (because we're in a war zone, it's very difficult for family members to visit regularly).  She showed up in her burka and when she saw him lying in the bed, she pulled the burka back and climbed next to him in bed, trying to wake him.  It was a heart-breaking moment.

Regardless of what we did, we were not going to get this kid on his feet.  I dressed him gently and placed him on the gurney so the ambulance could take him to the gate.  I have lost another kid, but this one wasn't as traumatic as little Feisl. 

We work so hard to get these kids back on their feet but the downside is this country does not have the medical capabilities needed to care for these kinds of injuries.  I know people complain about the health care system in America, but really, you need to experience being in a third world country before you complain. 

We are a 13 bed trauma ICU and we take care of so much more than trauma.  We, unfortunately do not have the resources to take care of everyone and sometimes difficult decisions have to be made regarding continuance of care, such as Feisl and Iman.

I worked at Creighton for about two years before coming in the Air Force and I distinctly remember a drug addict getting an implanted defibrillator.  Because of her drug abuse her heart would go into very dangerous arrythmias and without this implated device, she would die.  This device costs about $30,000.00 and she received it for FREE, because she was on medicaid.  Not a bad health system considering these people here can't even get the medications they need to cure a simple infection.  Our military will go home and receive artificial limbs and get tons of help to recover.  These people will have a limb amputated and there is no system to give them artificial limbs or rehabilitation.  It's a shame and it makes me so sad.  I wish we could do more, but I know we can't save the world when we're drowning ourselves.